Homework for April 25 and May 2

We have five assignments.

You will:

1. read a sample
2. write your paper
3. improve your paper
4. share your paper with peers from another discipline
5. provide feedback

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FIRST ASSIGNMENT

Before April 25: read all three versions of the following writing sample 

1. original version
2. version 2, with Vince's comments, and 
3. final edited version

When reading, pay attention to

1. The opening sentence: Does it clearly state the author's contribution to his or her field? (see ppt slides and writing samples)
2. Topic sentences: Does the first sentence of each paragraph analyze and interpret your main argument? (see http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/topicsentences.html)
3. Transitions between paragraphs: Does the author connect her ideas in a way that helps the reader follow her ideas? Or does she simply use clever or stock phrases that have no connection to her ideas. (e.g. "On the other hand,..." when only one idea has been mentioned)
4. Active voice: Is each sentence written in active voice? If not, does the author have a good reason for using the passive voice? (see http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/passive-voice.html)
5. Articles: Is the author using "a / an" and "the" appropriately? (see http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/articles.html)

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Original version - technical writing sample

view on Google Docs ▸ http://j.mp/Todai_orig

“Information terminal for emergency using energy harvesting technology”

Introduction

Japan is the country where a lot of natural disaster such as earthquakes or typhoons exists every year. When the power failure take places because of the disaster, a lot of people might check out information on the disaster by first using their cellular phones. However, when the battery is low and other batteries are not stocked unfortunately, either it is difficult to understand present own situation. In order to overcome such problem, some researchers have been proposed a power generator that harvesting energy from the human motion like shaking, rotating, etc., for charging the phones.

Energy harvesting from human body and information terminal

The adult male obtains 2000 kcal from food in a day, and uses 75% among them for the basal metabolic rate. The rest of energy, 500 kcal, corresponds to 200 AA-size alkaline batteries. Therefore, if energy harvesting from the human motion can be changed into the electric power, it is possible to operate various devices. However, actually, a heavy exercise that pedals the bicycle for several hours is necessary to charge with the battery of the latest cellular phone full due to its variety of function. This means not only the power generator but also novel information terminal is indispensable for their purpose.

Here, I suggest the single-function device that displays information data received from digital broadcasting airwave. This device would consist of an e-paper, flash memories, tuner ICs, and a power generator. Since those electric components consumes only several hundreds of µW, the terminal could work with even small energy harvesting from body temperature or walking vibration. That is, it comes to obtain vital information easily only by wearing this terminal without regard to batteries.

Conclusion

The reliability of the cellular phone is low as the information terminal for the emergency due to battery problem. Because it is difficult to charge with the cellular phone with a manual dynamo, the development of new information device that consumes low power is necessary. My idea is the mobile device, which consists of low-power consumption components, can be worked with small energy harvesting from body temperature or waking vibration. The terminal works might be useful because important information could be obtained without the battery like crystal radio anytime and anywhere.

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Technical writing sample - version #2 (with Vince's comments)

view on Google Docs ▸ http://j.mp/Todai_comments

*Please note - comments may not be visible in all browsers.

Therefore, please ask your instructor for a hard (paper) copy prior to April 25

You can also try viewing this update (pasted below) ▸ http://j.mp/Vince_comments


“Information Terminal for Emergency Using Energy Harvesting Technology”  [TITLES: You should not use quotation marks when writing the title of your paper. Also, you should capitalize only the first word of the title. Write your title like this: Emergency information terminal using energy harvesting technology]


Introduction
[PARAGRAPH FORMATTING: Please remember to indent three to five spaces when starting a new paragraph. Alternatively, you can add an extra line (hit the "enter" or "return" key twice) between each new paragraph. Be sure to follow whichever style your professor, department, or publication prefers. If none is indicated, then just be sure to pick on style and use it consistently.]

Japan is the country where a lot of natural disaster such as earthquakes or typhoons exists every year. [CONTRIBUTION: Most if not all of our readers will know that Japan is disaster-prone. Is that the point of your research? It seems that you are proposing devices that could be used anywhere. Therefore, I encourage you to start your paper with your main idea, which is now in your last paragraph, second to last sentence. Start your essay with a sentence like this: I propose developing a mobile information terminal to help people access information in the event of a power failure caused by a natural disaster. Please read my explanation in the FOOTNOTE] 

 When the a power failure take places because of the a disaster, a lot of people might check out information on the disaster by first using their cellular phones. However, when the battery is low and other batteries are not stocked unfortunately, either it is could be difficult to understand one's present own situation. In order to overcome such problem, some researchers have been proposed a power generator that harvesting energy from the human motion like shaking, rotating, etc., for charging the phones. [WORDY: I suggest you make this sentence more concise by cutting unnecessary words. You already identified some human motions (walking) earlier in this paragraph. Thus, I think you can delete these details without damaging your reader's ability to understand your idea. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2012/04/wordy.html]

Energy harvesting from human body and information terminal [TOPIC SENTENCES: Is this phrase your section heading? If so, trying including the key words into your topic sentence. Please see the edited version for my suggested change. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/topicsentences.html]

The adult male obtains 2000 kcal [ACRONYMS: Spell out the full term the first time, then abbreviate afterwards. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/acronyms.html] from food in a day, and uses 75% among them for the basal metabolic rate. The rest of energy, [AWKWARD: I suggest writing “The rest of the energy…” or, if you want to cut words and be more direct, “The remaining 500 kcal…”] 500 kcal, corresponds to 200 AA-size alkaline batteries. Therefore, if energy harvesting from the human motion can be changed into the electric power, it is possible to operate various devices. However, actually, [TRANSITIONS: You do not need to use two transitions. I suggest cutting "actually."] a [ARTICLES: You should delete this "a" because it is unnecessary. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/articles.html] heavy exercise that pedals the bicycle for several hours is necessary [ACTIVE VOICE: You can write this sentence using active voice. Try identifying the ‘actor’ who would pedal the bicycle. You can use a general word like ‘user.’ Here is an example: A user would need to pedal a bicycle for several hours in order to charge the phone’s battery. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/passive-voice.html] to charge with the battery of the latest cellular phone full due to its variety of function. This means not only the power generator but also novel information terminal is indispensable for their purpose.

Here, [TRANSITIONS: Where? "Here" is a weak transition that might confuse readers. Instead, I suggest using "Therefore," or "Thus…”] I suggest the a single-function device that displays information data received from digital broadcasting airwave. This device would consist of an e-paper, flash memories, tuner ICs, and a power generator. Since those electric components consumes only several hundreds of µW, the terminal could work with even small energy harvesting from body temperature or walking vibration. That is, it comes to obtain [ACTIVE VOICE: You can write this sentence using active voice. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/passive-voice.html] vital information easily only by wearing this terminal without regard to batteries.

Conclusion

The reliability of the cellular phone is low as the an information terminal for the emergency emergencies due to battery problems. Because it is difficult to charge with the cellular phone with a manual dynamo, [AWKWARD: Your readers are unlikely to know this uncommon term. I suggest using "generator" instead.] the development of new information device that consumes low power is necessary. My idea is the mobile device, which consists of low-power consumption components, can be worked with small energy harvesting from body temperature or waking [PROOFREAD: Wrong word (you mean "walking" not "waking"). To catch this kind of error, be sure to proofread by reading aloud at full volume (slowly). Spell check would not catch this kind of mistake since "waking" is spelled correctly. See my explanation and tips here: http://www.vinceprep.com/essays/spellcheck-errors] vibration. [CONTRIBUTION: Start your essay with this phrase. This is your core contribution. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2010/05/cochrane.html] The terminal works might be useful because important information could be obtained [ACTIVE VOICE: I suggest using active voice here. You can identify the subject as "people". Here is my suggested change: Using such a terminal would help people access critical information anytime and anywhere, even without a battery. See my explanation and tips here: http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/passive-voice.html] without the battery like crystal radio [CONCLUSIONS: It might be true that your device would function like a crystal radio, but I do not think you need to make such a comparison, especially not in the final sentence of your paper. Most readers probably do not know much about crystal radios, so the comparison adds little value to your argument.] anytime and anywhere. [This modifier is misplaced. I suggest you rewrite the sentence like this: Using such a terminal would help people access critical information anytime and anywhere, even without a battery.]

FOOTNOTE

How to determine the main idea and contribution of your paper

• Don’t start by describing your methods: “I analyzed mobile information terminals and found many issues related to power failures and natural disasters.” 
• Instead, focus on your main idea, like this: “A single-function emergency information terminal using energy harvesting technology would allow users to access important information during natural disasters. ”
• Distilling your main idea will take some thought and effort. 
• You might need to rewrite your paper several times. 
• You might also need to write your discussion section first. 
• After confirming the terminology and methods described in your discussion section, write your conclusion. 
• Then, determine your main idea.
• Once you decide your main idea, help readers to get it quickly by putting it in your introduction. 
• Your introduction should include the purpose of your research
• What specific question will you explore? How does it fit with previous research? 

Why you should start your paper with your main idea

• Your readers are busy and impatient. 
• Most of them will not read your entire paper from start to finish. 
• Instead, most readers will skim your text looking at topic sentences, key words, and headings in order to understand what you are talking about. 
• After they form their initial impressions, they might review each sentence to understand your logic and methods. 
• How can you catch and hold their attention during their initial skim? 
• First of all, be sure to include your main idea and contribution in your first paragraph.
• Most writers get this wrong. They do not tell us the contribution of their paper until the end of the paper. 
• Please do not make this mistake.

  (Modified from http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2010/05/cochrane.html; accessed 2012/04)

 

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Final, edited technical writing sample

view on Google Docs ▸ http://j.mp/Todai_edited

Emergency information terminal using energy harvesting technology

Department of Materials Engineering, The University of Tokyo

7-3-1 Hongo, Tokyo 113-8656, Japan

Introduction

I propose developing a mobile information terminal to help people access information in the event of a power failure caused by a natural disaster. My device would utilize low-power consumption components. Best of all, it could be charged by harvesting energy from body temperature or the vibrations produced by walking or other simple motions.

When people lose power due to a natural disaster, they might use their cellular phones to access news and information. However, if their cellphone battery is low and they do not have spare batteries, they might not be able to access information. In order to overcome such a problem, some researchers have proposed charging phones by using a power generator that harvests energy from human motion.

Discussion

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If energy harvested from human motion could be converted into electric power, it would be possible to operate various devices. Humans produce enough energy to power portable disaster information terminals. In one day, the adult male obtains 2,000 kilocalories (kcal) from food; he uses 75% of this energy to maintain basic life functions including circulation and respiration. The remaining 500 kcal is roughly equivalent to the energy contained in 200 AA-size alkaline batteries. However, due to the intensive power consumption of modern “smart phones”, a user would need to pedal a bicycle for several hours in order to charge the phone’s battery. Such activity is not sustainable. Thus, alternative information terminals should be used instead of fully functional mobile phones.

I propose the creation of a single-function device to display information data received from digital broadcasting airwaves. This device would consist of e-paper, flash memory, tuners, and a power generator. Since those electrical components consume only several hundred µW, the terminal could obtain and distribute vital information powered by energy harvested from physical activity. Thus, users could utilize the information from this terminal even when traditional power sources are not available.

Conclusion

In closing, cellular phones are not reliable information terminals in the event of an emergency. One cannot rely on power terminals, and it would require too much effort to charge a full-feature cellular phone with a manual generator. Therefore, effort should be made to develop a new information device that consists of low-power consumption components that can be powered by harvesting energy from human body temperature or motion. Using such a terminal would help people access critical information anytime and anywhere, even without a battery.

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SECOND ASSIGNMENT

Based on the samples above, write a single one (A4) page proposal for a piece of writing in your field.


Answer the question: 

• What are you working on right now? (Explain your current research to someone from a different academic discipline.)

Include three sections

1. Introduction
2. Discussion
3. Conclusion 

• Target length: between 450-600 words

On May 2, you will share it with peers who are NOT in your field, so be sure to explain complex terms using simple words that anyone could understand.

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THIRD ASSIGNMENT

• Improve your writing based on Vince's April 25 lecture
• Please be to read and follow these tips 

 ▸ http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/search/label/editing

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FIVE WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR WRITING: HOMEWORK FOR MAY 2

 

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POINT ONE – CONTRIBUTION

What is a contribution?

·      A contribution includes an addition to your field’s overall knowledge.

o   For example, “I propose developing a mobile information terminal to help people access information in the event of a power failure caused by a natural disaster.”

It is the main idea of your paper, and the main purpose of your research.

It answers questions like:

·      What are you researching?

·      What are you trying to discover, prove, or create?

·      How do you plan to add value to your academic field?

How can I identify and express my contribution?

·      Figure out the one central and novel contribution of your paper.

·      Write this contribution down in your first sentence.

·      As with all your writing, this must be concrete.

o   Don’t write, “I analyzed mobile information terminals and found many issues related to power failures and natural disasters.”

o   Instead, explain what the central results are. For example, “I propose developing a mobile information terminal to help people access information in the event of a power failure caused by a natural disaster.”

·      Distilling your ideas into one central contribution will take some thought.

·      Once you do it, though, you’re in a much better position to focus the paper on that one contribution, and help readers to get it quickly.

·      Most writers do not tell us the contribution of their paper until the end of the paper.

·      This seems to be especially true in Japan, where writers are taught to put their main idea at the end of their papers (lines 61 – 63 on page 2).

·      Please do not make this mistake when writing in English (lines 140 – 141 on page 6).
(Modified from http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2010/05/cochrane.html; accessed 2012/04)

In class exercise

·      Find and circle your contribution. 

·      If you cannot find your contribution, or if it is spread out across several sentences, spend a moment crystalizing your ideas into one clear contribution sentence.

·      Then, draw an arrow to the top of the page. Your contribution goes at the top!

Homework #1: Reorganize and write your paper so that your contribution appears in the first sentence.

 

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POINT TWO – TOPIC SENTENCES

What is a topic sentence?

·       The topic sentence is the first sentence in a paragraph.

What does it do?

·       It introduces the main idea of the paragraph.

Why are topic sentences important?

1.     They give your paragraph focus.

a.      If your topic sentences are not clear, then the rest of the paragraph most likely won’t have a specific focus or will be incoherent.

2.     They help your readers.  

a.      Your readers are busy and impatient.

b.     They want to know your main idea first.

c.      They read the first sentence of every paragraph, looking for your main ideas.

d.     Then, they quickly review the other sentences.

e.      If someone only read your topic sentences, would he or she be able to understand your contribution and supporting ideas?

In class exercise

·       Circle the first sentence of each paragraph.

·       These are your topic sentences.

·       Read them all to yourself, one after the other (four or five total sentences).

·       Now, ask yourself this question:

o   If a reader only read my topic sentences, would he be able to understand my contribution and main ideas? 

Weak topic sentences from student’s original technical writing sample (page 2)

1.     Japan is the country where a lot of natural disaster such as earthquakes or typhoons exists every year.

2.     The adult male obtains 2000 kcal from food in a day, and uses 75% among them for the basal metabolic rate.

3.     Here, I suggest the single-function device that displays information data received from digital broadcasting airwave.

4.     The reliability of the cellular phone is low as the information terminal for the emergency due to battery problem.

Re-written and improved topic sentences from technical writing sample (page 6)

1.     I propose developing a mobile information terminal to help people access information in the event of a power failure caused by a natural disaster.

2.     When people lose power due to a natural disaster, they might want to use their cellular phones to access news and information.

3.     If energy harvested from human motion could be converted into electric power, it would be possible to operate various devices.

4.     I propose the creation of a single-function device to display information data received from digital broadcasting airwaves.

5.     In closing, cellular phones are not reliable information terminals in the event of an emergency.

Homework #2: Re-write your topic sentences so that they best express your contribution and main ideas. 

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POINT THREE – TRANSITIONS

What is a transition?

·       Transitions indicate the connections and relationships between your ideas and sentences.

In class exercise

·       Find and underline the transitions in technical writing sample - version #3 (final, edited, on page 6).

Why are transitions important?

·       Transitional words and phrases help you write clearly and coherently. Moreover, such transitions help the reader follow the text, stay focused, and understand how your main ideas are related to one another.

Why are transitions dangerous?

·       Improper transitions can confuse readers. For instance, the use of the transition "Here, …" (see line 52 on page 2) in the sample is not correct because it indicates direction, but that is not the author's intention. This choice confuses the reader. Better to use a transition that indicates consequence, such as "Therefore,” or “Thus,”.

Which transitions should I use?

·       The following list illustrates categories of "relationships" between ideas, followed by words and phrases that can make the connections:

1.      Addition: also, again, as well as, besides, furthermore, in addition, likewise, moreover, similarly

2.      Consequence: accordingly, as a result, consequently, for this reason, for this purpose, hence, otherwise, subsequently, therefore, thus

3.      Contrast and Comparison: conversely, instead, likewise, on one hand/on the other hand, on the contrary, rather, similarly, yet, but, however, still, nevertheless, in contrast

4.      Emphasis: above all, chiefly, especially, particularly, singularly

5.      Exemplifying: chiefly, especially, for instance, in particular, markedly, namely, particularly, including, specifically, such as

6.      Illustration: for example, for instance, as an example, in this case

7.      Sequence: at first, first of all, to begin with, in the first place, at the same time, for now, for the time being, the next step, in time, in turn, later on, meanwhile, next, then, soon, the meantime, later, while, earlier, simultaneously, afterward, in conclusion, with this in mind

8.      Similarity: comparatively, correspondingly, likewise, moreover

9.      Summarizing: after all, all in all, all things considered, briefly, by and large, in any case, in any event, in brief, in conclusion, on the whole, in short, in summary, in the final analysis, in the long run, on balance, to sum up, to summarize, finally

Which transitions should I NOT use?

·       Try to avoid “restatement” transitions in formal writing. Rather than writing phrases like “in other words,” “that is to say,” or “to put it differently,” try improving your writing so you can express yourself effectively in the first place. 

o   Exception: you might want to use transitions like “in other words” in TOEFL writing, since you might get extra “points” for additional content (longer is better as long as quality is high). Since you are unlikely to have time to edit your TOEFL writing, restating your key ideas using phrases like “in other words” might help your reader / grader understand your main idea. By contrast, when submitting papers for publication (or to your professor), you have to time to proofread and edit. Therefore, take time to produce clear, concise writing when submitting papers for a grade and/or publication.

In class exercise

·       Find and circle the transitions in your paper.

·       Ask yourself, "Do my transitions express the connections between my ideas?"

·       Are my transitions misleading in any way?

Homework #3: Re-write your transitions so that they best express the connections between your ideas.

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POINT FOUR – ACTIVE VOICE

 

Example of active voice

Part of speech	Subject	Verb	Object
Sentence	The group	will present	the report	next week.

Example of passive voice

Part of speech	Subject	Verb	Object
Sentence	The report	will be presented	by the group	next week.

(found at http://www.monash.edu.au/lls/llonline/grammar/engineering/passive/2.xml; accessed 2011/06)

What is active voice?

·       The subject does the action? Let’s define it together.

How can you tell if a sentence is active?

·       Ask yourself, "Who/What does the action?" If the answer is clear, the sentence is active.

o   Example: The students tested the samples.

o   Example: The samples failed.

Why use active voice?

·       Where possible, use the active voice. It is direct, brief, and easy to understand.

What is passive voice?

·       The passive voice places the emphasis on the action, rather than the actor. Let’s discuss.  

How can you tell if a sentence is passive?

·       The direct object is placed before the verb, which is given in the passive form. The subject, or actor, is usually not mentioned.

o   Example: The samples were tested.

Why use passive voice?

·       Passive voice is used frequently in technical (and academic) writing, where the focus is usually on what was done rather than who did it. It is conventionally used to report experimental procedure and to avoid constant repetition of I or we throughout the report, paper or thesis.

·       Use passive voice for a specific purpose, not simply out of habit.

·       In order to use passive voice correctly, it is necessary to understand, and be able to recognize, the difference between passive and active voice.

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In class exercise

·       Find and circle all examples of passive voice in your paper.

·       Do they fit one of the five reasons below?

 

Five reasons for using the passive voice

 

1. The 'actor' is not known.

·       Oil was discovered off the coast of Australia.

·       The number of Internet users was estimated to be over one million.

2. The 'actor' is not important.

·       The report has been published.

·       The results will be presented at the conference.

3. It is considered desirable to conceal the identity of the 'actor'.

·       The results are invalid, as the correct testing procedure was not followed.          

·       Research funding will be cut next year.

4. An impersonal tone is needed for academic writing.

·       In this report, the stress fields in a C-shape plate will be analyzed.

An impersonal tone is also used for describing processes.

·       First, the raw materials are loaded into a container ...

5. A tactful tone is needed to smooth over an error or difficulty.

Compare these two examples.

·       Example of passive voice: The samples were not checked at the second stage . . .

·       Example of active voice: We forgot to check the samples . . .

(found at  http://www.monash.edu.au/lls/llonline/grammar/engineering/passive/1.1.xml; accessed 2011/06)

Homework #4: Find all passive voice sentences that do not fit one of the five reasons. Then, change them into active voice 

 

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POINT FIVE – ARTICLES

What is an article?

·       Basically, an article is an adjective. Like adjectives, articles modify nouns.

English has two articles: the and a/an.

·       the = definite article used to refer to specific or particular nouns

·       a/an = indefinite article used to modify non-specific or non-particular nouns; "A/an" is used to refer to a non-specific or non-particular member of the group

o   For example, if I say, "Let's read the book," I mean a specific book. If I say, "Let's read a book," I mean any book (a non-particular book) rather than a specific book.

Omission of Articles

Not all nouns need articles. Some common types of nouns that don't take an article are:

• Names of languages and nationalities: Chinese, English, Spanish, Russian (unless you are referring to the population of the nation in general: "The Spanish are known for their warm hospitality.")
• Names of academic subjects: mathematics, biology, history, computer science

In class exercise

·       Find and circle all of the articles in your paper.

·       Can you tell which nouns require definite and indefinite articles, and which require no article at all?

Homework #5 – Find and fix any mistakes in your use of articles. 

In addition to MS Word spell check, you might try Vince's "Google that stuff" (GTS) method.

1.     Put your article phrase in quotation marks and search Google (.com English version, not co.jp).

·       Example: "the veracity of a theory" (I could not find any instances of "a veracity of a theory." Therefore, this phrase always uses the definitive article ("the")

2.     If professionally edited sites (not personal blogs) use the phrase as you have written it, then your articles are probably correct.

3.     On the other hand, if you only find a few examples, or none at all, then you should probably use a different article, or none at all.

Try Vince's GTS method with the following phrases:

Can you find any indefinite article phrases for the following? (I could not.)

·       "The Data Encryption Standard"

·       "the Earth's crust"

·       "the opposite polarity"

·       "the power of reasoning"

·       "the Secure Sockets Layer"

·       "the theory of relativity"

I found instances of both definite and indefinite articles for the following phrases:

·       "a carbon footprint" and "the carbon footprint" (e.g. of The carbon footprint an iPhone)

·       "a symbiotic relationship” and. "the symbiotic relationship" (e.g. The symbiotic relationship between humans and domesticated animals)

·       "an outlier from the data" and "the outlier from the data" (e.g. How does removing the outlier from the data affect the mean and the median?)

Vince's final observation: I believe the process of learning English articles is somewhat similar to the process of learning Japanese counter words (josūshi 助数詞), which are used along with numbers to count things, actions, and events. Someone learning Japanese simply needs to memorize the proper use of these unique grammatical structures. Perhaps English articles are similar in this regard. Therefore, if you read (and write) English every day, you will eventually develop instincts to differentiate definite and indefinite articles.

PEER REVIEW

Peer review lesson plan for May 2

• Print and bring four printed copies of your paper to our May 2 class
• You will exchange papers with your peers from different academic disciplines
• You will fill out the form below

Author________________________ Reviewer______________________ The goals of peer review are 1) to help improve your classmate's paper by pointing out strengths and weaknesses that may not be apparent to the author, and 2) to help improve editing skills. INSTRUCTIONS Read the paper(s) assigned to you twice, once to get an overview of the paper, and a second time to provide constructive criticism for the author to use when revising his/her paper. Answer the questions below.  STRUCTURE (30%) 1. Were the introduction, body paragraph, and conclusion adequate? If not, what is missing? 2. Was the material ordered in a way that was logical, clear, and easy to follow? Why or why not? Explain with details. CONTENT (30%) 3. Did the writer adequately summarize and discuss the topic? Why or why not? Explain with details. 4. Did the writer merely summarize existing data or publications?   WORD CHOICE (20%) 5. Are the words specific and accurate? Does the writer use strong action verbs whenever possible? Are the adjectives as descriptive as possible? Are the nouns specific, not general? Why or why not? Explain with details. GRAMMAR AND STYLE (20%) 6. Were there grammatical or spelling problems? Did the writer use active and passive voice appropriately? 7. Was the writer’s writing style clear, appealing, and full of energy? Why or why not? Explain with details.

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What is peer review?

"As a peer reviewer, your job is not to provide answers. You raise questions; the writer makes the choices. You act as a mirror, showing the writer how the draft looks to you and pointing our areas which need attention." - Sharon Williams

How to provide helpful feedback

• Read a draft all the way through before you begin to comment on it.
• Give yourself enough time to read and respond.
• Point out the strengths of the draft.
• When discussing areas that need improvement, be nice. Offer appropriate, constructive comments from a reader's point of view.
• Make comments text-specific, referring specifically to the writer's draft (NO "rubber stamps" such as "awkward" or "unclear" or "vague," which are too general to be helpful).
• Avoid turning the writer's paper into YOUR paper. 
• Don't overwhelm the writer with too much commentary. Stick to the major issues on the feedback form that are problematic.
• Make sure your suggestions are reasonable (i.e., don't suggest that they totally rewrite the paper because you didn't agree with the author's point of view or didn’t like the topic).
• If something appears too complicated to write in the commentary, just mention that you have something that you would like to talk to the writer about when you discuss the draft afterward.
• Before giving your written comments to the author, reread your comments to make sure they are clear and make sense.

(found at http://mwp01.mwp.hawaii.edu/resources/peer_review.htm; accessed 11/2010)

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What types of comments are constructive and helpful?

• Be respectful and considerate of the writer's feelings.
• Use "I" statements.
• Offer suggestions, not commands.
• Raise questions from a reader's point of view, points that may not have occurred to the writer.
• Phrase comments clearly and carefully so that the writer can easily understand what needs to be improved.
• Make sure comments are constructive and specific (not "This paper is confusing. It keeps saying the same things over and over again" but rather "It sounds like paragraph five makes the same point as paragraphs 2 and 3.").

(found at http://mwp01.mwp.hawaii.edu/resources/peer_review.htm; accessed 11/2010)

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Markup - What are the colors and symbols Vince uses when editing?

Q: What do these colors mean?
A: I often use the following highlight colors to indicate certain writing issues

• ORANGE = wdy = wordy, verbose: Too many words express a desired thought or concept; try to shorten or condense the phrasing or simply omit unnecessary words; also repetitive and/or run-on sentences
• YELLOW = grammar, misplaced modifiers, usage, spelling, articles, agreement, capitalization mistakes
• GREEN = vague, illogical, imprecise or misleading; add prepositional phrases and details to fix the context and define the issues; show, don't tell
• BLUE = not believable, not credible (esp. in recommendation letters) and trans = transition problem: A transition between paragraphs, arguments, or sections of the writing is nonexistent, abrupt, weak, lame or misleading.  Think about the logical relationship between the parts that need connecting and try to write a smooth and helpful transition.  Good transitions are based upon ideas and their logical relationship, not just clever or stock phrases. 
• PINK = awk = awkward phrasing, although not grammatically incorrect. Most common: words with slightly inapposite meaning, too many words to express a particular concept, or awkward (but not technically incorrect) grammatical construction

Q: What are some common symbols you insert when reviewing essays?
A: I often use these:

• agr = agreement, either subject/verb or pronoun/antecedent
• awk = awkward phrasing, although not grammatically incorrect.  Most common: words with slightly inapposite meaning, too many words to express a particular concept, or awkward (but not technically incorrect) grammatical construction.
• cs = comma splice
• dm = dangling modifier
• frag = [sentence] fragment, incomplete sentence: There is part of a sentence, but not enough to make a complete one.
• cap = capitalize, use uppercase letters
• lc = use lowercase letter
• no = number: A number is used incorrectly in text. A common error is beginning a sentence with a number in numerical form. Although sentences may begin with numbers in spelled-out form, numbers in numerical form are not used to begin sentences. The second most common error is failing to spell out numbers less than ten.
• pv = passive voice: Passive constructions ("the case was decided" or "it was determined that . . .") are grammatically correct but weak and often confusing. They are useful only when the subject of the verb is unknown or indefinite or the writer wishes to conceal the subject. Otherwise, passive voice—particularly if used repeatedly—is a sign of wooden and heavy writing, not a good style for advocacy! Better: "the court decided the case" or "the judge determined that . . ."
• sp = spelling error or "spell out": This signal indicates a spelling mistake, a typographical error, the improper use of an abbreviation instead of the complete word or words, or the failure to spell out numbers less than ten.
• spchk = use spellcheck
• trans = transition problem: A transition between paragraphs, arguments, or sections of the writing is nonexistent, abrupt, weak, lame or misleading.  Think about the logical relationship between the parts that need connecting and try to write a smooth and helpful transition.  Good transitions are based upon ideas and their logical relationship, not just clever or stock phrases. 
• v = verb form or forms are incorrect. The most common error of this type is disagreement between the number of the subject of the sentence and the number of the verb ("she see" or "they talks"). Another common problem occurs in series of nouns with "and" or "or;" in "or" series the number of the verb should agree with the noun that is closest to the verb in the sentence. Correct: "A lapse, an error, or omissions in text make it difficult to read." (In this sentence, the plural verb form "make" is correct because the plural noun "omissions" is closest to the verb.) 
• va = vague: A paragraph, sentence, clause, phrase, or word is vague, nonspecific, imprecise, or misleading.  The most common error is failure to include short prepositional phrases that tie things down. Vague (depending on context): "The court refused to decide the issue." Precise: "The court refused to decide the issue of proximate cause."
• wdy = wordy, verbose: Too many words express a desired thought or concept; try to shorten or condense the phrasing or simply omit unnecessary words.
• ww = wrong word
• tr = transpose letters or words
• # = add space

Other General Abbreviations (examples from legal writing, but can apply to other forms of technical writing) http://gozips.uakron.edu/~dratler/markup.htm#gabb viewed by Vince Ricci 7/7/10 12:00 PM
A/D	Analogy or distinction.  A portion of the writing begs for analogizing or distinguishing other cases, whether precedents or hypotheticals.  Try to compare the facts at issue explicitly with the facts of other cases and show, step by step, why the rationales of those cases, as applied to the factual similarities or differences, would require the same or a different result.
AUD	Audience.  The approach is inappropriate for your audience.  Who your audience is should affect a number of characteristics of your writing, including the level of detail (see DET), the level of abstraction, as distinguished from a practical approach (see PRAC), and the tone of your writing (see TONE).
CL	"Clearly," "clear," or "obvious."  These words, as well as words to the same effect, are a dead giveaway for writer's insecurity.  If something is really clear, you can show it with specific reasoning or argument.  If it is not, no amount of bare insistence will make it so.  Good lawyers look for words like this in their opponents' papers because these words indicate where arguments are weak, incomplete, or undeveloped.
COLL	Colloquialism.  Contractions (such as "they'll," "don't," "won't," "isn't") and colloquial expressions ("plaintiff was screwed", "the nitty gritty", etc.) are not used in formal writing and are usually not used in writing to clients.  More formal or conventional phrasing should be substituted.  Colloquialisms can be used in writing to a client whom you know personally and well. (See AUD)
COMP	Complex sentence structure.  A sentence or clause is too long, complicated in form, or convoluted in meaning.  You should break it up into shorter, clearer parts.  If necessary, the order and priority of thoughts should be reconsidered.
COMPAR	Comparative.  A comparative form of an adjective is grammatically incorrect (e.g., "more better," "lastest"), the comparative form used does not exist ("legitimatest"), or the sentence does not make clear what is being compared with what.
CONC?	Conclusion?  A conclusion to a paragraph, section, or line of reasoning is missing, unclear, or incomplete.  (See also MS)
CONJ	Conjunction.  A conjunction appears to be missing or inappropriate.  Common errors are substituting "but" for "and" or "since" for "although."  This is often a problem of logic and meaning, not just grammar.
CONS?	Consequences?  The consequences of an argument, holding, result, conclusion or action should be explored.  The consequences may be practical, social, business, or economic.
DET	Detail is excessive.  This comment occurs most often when a description of the facts of a case is excessively detailed and lengthy, or when irrelevant details obscure legally relevant facts.  Summarize, condense, and select legally relevant facts for discussion.  Focus, focus, focus!
DP	Dangling participle: a participial form of a verb has no matching subject, or what appears to be the subject does not match or make sense. Incorrect: "Turning to the second element of the tort, causation was inadequately proved."  It is not "causation" that turns, but "we" or the writer; therefore the participle "turning" has no real subject in the sentence and is dangling.  Dangling participles can be corrected by adding a subject or rewriting the sentence.  Correct: "Turning to the second element of the tort, we see [or "I note," or "the court ruled"] that causation was inadequately proved."  OR "With regard to the second element of the tort, causation was lacking."
E	Ellipsis has (or appears to have) incorrect form.  An ellipsis should: (1) have spaces between the three or four periods; (2) use four periods (with intervening spaces) when the material omitted includes the end of a sentence; and (3) put the first of four periods immediately adjacent to the preceding text (without a space) when—and only when—a sentence in the quoted material ended there.
ECON	Economics.  Does the statement noted make economic sense?  Does it cohere with currently accepted economic theory or not?  What economic consequences does it implicate (see also CONS, PRAC)?
FACTS	The facts needed to understand or appreciate a case, judicial decision, argument or hypothetical are missing, incomplete, inaccurate, or misleadingly stated.  The most common errors are failing to state any facts at all, failing to select the most important and relevant facts, and failing to indicate, by context or verbal signals, how the key facts relate to a result, holding, or rationale.  (This problem occurs most often in argumentative writing.)
GARB	Garbled sentence, phrase, or clause.  Something is missing, misplaced, or distorted, but what and how is not clear.  Rethink and/or rewrite.
GRAM	Grammatical error (nonspecific).  Common errors include: (1) disagreement in number between noun and pronoun (using "they" for singular nouns), and (2) confusing "like" and "as" ("like" is a preposition, "as" is an adverb).
IC	Inconsistent.  This signal may refer to ideas, words, or grammatical form.  A common error is inconsistency in style, for example, using singular and plural words indiscriminately for the same thing.  A more important error is using inconsistent words for the same thing, such as "employee" and "plaintiff" alternately for the same party.  Unlike creative writing (in which you may have been taught to use the Thesaurus and vary your use of words), legal writing requires consistency.  The goal is not variety and versatility, but straightforward and unmistakable communication.  This objective requires picking the best term for a single concept and sticking with it throughout a document.
INN	Innuendo.  Business writing should, insofar as possible, avoid innuendo or implication.  Instead, it should state all assumptions, facts, steps in reasoning, and conclusions explicitly.  It should leave little or nothing to chance or to the reader's intelligence or imagination.  Try to state directly and explicitly what you are implying.
IS	Incomplete sentence.  Sentence does not have both subject and verb or appears broken in the middle.
LO	Logical order.  The sentences, phrases, clauses or thoughts appear to be out of logical order.  Inserted numbers or letters (if present) designate parts or concepts that need re-ordering.
LR	Logical relationship.  The logical relationship between/among concepts, ideas, sentences, or clauses is unclear, because it is not stated, not stated explicitly enough, or not stated correctly.  This is a more general signal than LO (logical order) or NS (non-sequitur), and it may indicate more subtle problems.
MAN	More analysis needed.  The portion of text marked raises a question, begins an assessment or analysis, or suggests a line of reasoning or argument that begs for further development and analysis.  The same text also may invite or require further study and research.
MS	Missing step or steps.  One or more steps in the logical reasoning or progression of the argument appear to have been omitted.
MW	Missing word or words.  A word or words appear to have been omitted, leaving the sentence, clause or phrase incomplete, ungrammatical, or nonsensical.  This signal is usually inserted at the place where words appear to be missing.
NARROW	A statement seems too narrow or timid.  Review the relevant facts or source of legal authority and consider broadening the statement by eliminating or changing conditions, qualifications, or limitations.  (Compare BROAD, QUAL)
NEC?	Necessary?  Asks whether particular words, phrases, clauses, or sentences are necessary to the writing or the argument, or are surplus or redundant.  Consider deleting or condensing the material marked.
NS	Non-sequitur (Latin: "it does not follow").  The marked sentence, clause or phrase does not logically follow from what comes before.  This may indicate a missing step in reasoning (see MS) or a more serious problem of substance.
OOP	Out of place—a general organizational error.  A paragraph, sentence, clause, or phrase appears out of place in terms of logic, chronology, or the flow of explanation or argument.  (See also LO, LR, POP, and TS)
PLW	Placement of words.  The placement of words in a sentence is confusing or misleading.  The most common error is misplacing prepositional phrases, thereby creating ambiguities or unintended meanings.  This signal is similar to OOP (out of place) but refers to placement in a single sentence.
POP	The point of a paragraph is unclear.  Generally speaking, every paragraph should have (and develop!) a single idea or theme, expressed in a short sentence or phrase.  Common problems are: unclear topic sentences or multiple themes (see TS), rambling, vagueness, and failure to come to a conclusion.  Unlike TS (topic sentence), this signal requires reassessing both the internal structure of the paragraph and its place in the larger organizational scheme of the document.
POS	Possessive.  A possessive form was omitted or incorrectly used.  The most common error is in ordering the apostrophe and the "s."  For example, "plaintiff's complaint" refers to a single plaintiff and "plaintiffs' complaint" to more than one.  The second most common error is forgetting that "it's" and "who's" are contractions (of "it is" and "who is," respectively).  They are not possessives and are not used in legal writing (see COLL).  The correct possessives are "its" and "whose," respectively, without apostrophes.
QUOT	Quotation error.  Most common errors: (1) omitting a quotation mark at the beginning or end of the quotation; (2) using duplicate double quotation marks ("), rather than single quotation marks (') for embedded quotations; and (3) failing to modify quoted language to fit into the grammatical structure of your writing and to indicate your modifications with square brackets ([]).
QE	Quoting excessively.  Too many quotes appear in succession, or quotations are too long.  Try to express all concepts and reasoning in your own words, keeping quotation to the minimum necessary to reflect absolutely essential nuances of what is quoted or words and phrases that may be or become terms of art.  (See also UOW).
RED	Redundant.  The same thing was already said somewhere else, or is said later in the writing.  This often indicates organizational error.
T	The tense of a verb is incorrect, confusing, or not consistent with the tense of other verbs in the same paragraph or section of the document.  Normally, descriptions of the facts of cases and courts' reasoning should be in the past tense and statements of current law in the present.
TONE	The tone of the writing is inappropriate for the audience (see AUD) or the situation.  Common problematic tones are: (1) condescension (e.g., in letter to client, "You may not know this, but . . ."), (2) insults, whether express or implied ("Only an idiot would conclude . . ."), (3) disrepect (to client: "You must do an IP audit." OR "You have made a bad mistake!"), and (4) insubordination (to client: "Make sure this brief is filed by next Wednesday."). Generally speaking, it is better to say the same thing more softly and diplomatically, in a way more likely to be received favorably, no matter who your audience may be.
TS	Topic sentence.  The topic sentence (of a paragraph) is missing or unclear or states more than one theme, or there is more than one candidate for the role of topic sentence.  The solution is: (1) to identify the main theme of the paragraph and any sentence or sentence fragment that states it; (2) to rewrite that sentence or fragment (or to write one if none exists) so as to state the theme clearly and concisely; (3) to rewrite the paragraph around that theme; and (4) to remove all extraneous material, including other candidates for topic sentences, to other paragraphs.  (See also POP)
UC	Unclear.  The meaning of a paragraph, sentence, clause, phrase or word (as marked) is unclear as stated.  Sometimes clarifying requires just rewriting; sometimes it requires rethinking what you are trying to say.
UOW	Use [your] own words.  Try to restate a quoted passage in your own words.  If you can point precisely and confidently to a term of art that must be used, or to a nuance that requires expression in the original words, use that term or the minimum number of original words needed, but try to rewrite everything else.  Using your own words makes the concepts your own, increases your understanding and appreciation, improves the flow of the paper, and avoids any tendency toward plagiarism.  (See also QE)
VR	Vague reference, usually a pronoun.  Either the antecedent is indefinite because there is no specific noun within reasonable reach, or the antecedent is ambiguous because two or more specific nouns are near enough to serve grammatically, and the reader has to think to determine which is the right one.  The solution is simple: when in doubt, use a specific noun, not a pronoun or other general word.   This error also can occur with nouns.  The most common error is shifting from one noun to another in describing a particular person or thing, in such a way as to leave the reader in doubt regarding the antecedent.  Incorrect: "The plaintiff worked hard all year.  Then the defendant fired the employee without warning."  (Are the "plaintiff" and "employee" the same person?)  The solution is simply to use the same noun that was used in the antecedent or to add an explanatory or identifying phrase if that noun occurred too far back.
W/C	Word choice is incorrect.  Common errors of this type include confusing "effect" and "affect" and using "finds," "holds," "rules" and "opines" interchangeably.  A judge "finds" facts, "holds" as to law, "rules" on the result in a case or a principle of law, and "opines" if he/she is not in the majority.
W/T	Which/that/who error.  Most common errors are: (1) failing to use a comma before a "which" or "who" clause that is explaining, rather than defining; (2) using a comma before such a clause that is defining; (3) using "who" (nominative case, used for subject of sentence) instead of "whom" (objective case, used for object of verb or preposition), or vice versa; (4) using "who" for an inanimate thing or "which" for an individual; or (5) using "that" when "which" would be better. "That" is permissible (and usually preferable) in defining clauses, that is, those clauses in which the pronoun should not be preceded by a comma.  Ordinarily "that" should not be used in explaining clauses, i.e., those that need a comma.  Correct: "Lawyers who are careless are unlikely to be successful."  [No comma is used because the "who" clause defines the type of lawyers meant by the speaker; without that clause the sentence does not make sense.  Here "that" could replace "who."] Also correct: "Distracted lawyers, who are often careless, may do their clients damage."  [Commas are required here because the "who" clause is explaining, not defining, and the sentence could stand without it.]
WP	Wrong preposition.  For example, a person may have rights "in" or "to" property, so one may speak of copyright in a book, but not copyright "of" a book.   Most unabridged dictionaries point out the correct prepositions to use with particular words, either directly or by example.
WS	"Who is speaking?"  The writing fails to indicate the source of the thought or expression at issue, whether by context or explicit verbal signals (e.g., "the court said," "in the court's view," "in my view," "it seems").  You should rewrite to make clear whether the statement is yours, a court's, or another cited source's.
1SP	One-sentence paragraph.  Although permissible in business letters and occasionally used for emphasis in briefs, one-sentence paragraphs are disfavored and rare in formal writing.  A one-sentence paragraph usually indicates one or more of the following organizational problems: (1) a missing or lame conclusion in the previous paragraph, (2) a missing or weak topic sentence in the following paragraph, (3) a poor, weak or nonexistent transition between paragraphs, or (4) failure to develop, expand, or support the idea underlying a topic sentence.
//	[Two parallel lines] Parallel structure is absent or incomplete.  This usually refers to a series that is not in grammatically parallel form.  Incorrect: "Suing requires filing a complaint, that the lawyer take lots of depositions, and zealous advocacy."  Correct: "Suing requires filing a complaint, taking lots of depositions, and advocating zealously."  OR "Suing requires commencement of the action, work on depositions, and zealous advocacy."
// ORD	Parallel order of concepts is absent or incomplete.  Incorrect: "Judges and lawyers must be zealous and impartial."  Since judges are impartial and lawyers are zealous, correct writing requires reversing the order of one pair of words or the other.  This is true whether or not the word "respectively" is added to highlight the correspondence.

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-Updated by Vince on 20 April 2012

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