How can I make my writing more concise?

MY ESSAY IS TOO LONG. HOW DO I CUT WORDS?

• Read your essay aloud at full volume (doing so forces you to go slow).
• After each word or phrase, ask yourself, "If I cut this, will my meaning change?"
• If the answer is "no", then cut it!

More tips here, including this activity from the Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL), which is a fantastic resource for writers.  

Conciseness

Summary: This resource will help you write clearly by eliminating unnecessary words and rearranging your phrases.

Contributors: Ryan Weber, Nick Hurm
Last Edited: 2010-04-17 05:34:19

The goal of concise writing is to use the most effective words. Concise writing does not always have the fewest words, but it always uses the strongest ones. Writers often fill sentences with weak or unnecessary words that can be deleted or replaced. Words and phrases should be deliberately chosen for the work they are doing. Like bad employees, words that don't accomplish enough should be fired. When only the most effective words remain, writing will be far more concise and readable.

This resource contains general conciseness tips followed by very specific strategies for pruning sentences.

1. Replace several vague words with more powerful and specific words.

Often, writers use several small and ambiguous words to express a concept, wasting energy expressing ideas better relayed through fewer specific words. As a general rule, more specific words lead to more concise writing. Because of the variety of nouns, verbs, and adjectives, most things have a closely corresponding description. Brainstorming or searching a thesaurus can lead to the word best suited for a specific instance. Notice that the examples below actually convey more as they drop in word count.

Wordy: The politician talked about several of the merits of after-school programs in his speech (14 words)

Concise: The politician touted after-school programs in his speech. (8 words)

Wordy: Suzie believed but could not confirm that Billy had feelings of affection for her. (14 words)

Concise: Suzie assumed that Billy adored her. (6 words)

Wordy: Our website has made available many of the things you can use for making a decision on the best dentist. (20 words)

Concise: Our website presents criteria for determining the best dentist. (9 words)

Wordy: Working as a pupil under a someone who develops photos was an experience that really helped me learn a lot. (20 words)

Concise: Working as a photo technician's apprentice was an educational experience. (10 words)

2. Interrogate every word in a sentence

Check every word to make sure that it is providing something important and unique to a sentence. If words are dead weight, they can be deleted or replaced. Other sections in this handout cover this concept more specifically, but there are some general examples below containing sentences with words that could be cut.

Wordy: The teacher demonstrated some of the various ways and methods for cutting words from my essay that I had written for class. (22 words)

Concise: The teacher demonstrated methods for cutting words from my essay. (10 words)

Wordy: Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood formed a new band of musicians together in 1969, giving it the ironic name of Blind Faith because early speculation that was spreading everywhere about the band suggested that the new musical group would be good enough to rival the earlier bands that both men had been in, Cream and Traffic, which people had really liked and had been very popular. (66 words)

Concise: Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood formed a new band in 1969, ironically naming it Blind Faith because speculation suggested that the group would rival the musicians’ previous popular bands, Cream and Traffic. (32 words)

Wordy: Many have made the wise observation that when a stone is in motion rolling down a hill or incline that that moving stone is not as likely to be covered all over with the kind of thick green moss that grows on stationary unmoving things and becomes a nuisance and suggests that those things haven’t moved in a long time and probably won’t move any time soon. (67 words)

Concise: A rolling stone gathers no moss. (6 words)

3. Combine Sentences.

Some information does not require a full sentence, and can easily be inserted into another sentence without losing any of its value. To get more strategies for sentence combining, see the handout on Sentence Variety.

Wordy: Ludwig's castles are an astounding marriage of beauty and madness. By his death, he had commissioned three castles. (18 words)

Concise: Ludwig's three castles are an astounding marriage of beauty and madness. (11 words)

Wordy: The supposed crash of a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico aroused interest in extraterrestrial life. This crash is rumored to have occurred in 1947. (24 words)

Concise: The supposed 1947 crash of a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico aroused interest in extraterrestrial life. (16 words)


(found at http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/572/01/; accessed 11/2010)

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Ellen Lupton Writing tips from "Design is Storytelling"

Ellen Lupton Writing tips from "Design is Storytelling"

❶ Wait. I’m scared. I have writer’s block.

• Instead of struggling to compose a brilliant for sentence, list the main points you want to make. Don’t worry about the order.
• Go back and group your points into sections. A pitch or presentation should have three to five main sections.
• If making a list feels too linear, create a word map instead. Write your main idea in a bubble in the middle of a sheet of paper. Draw more bubbles with more points.
• Research. Gathering evidence will help you create compelling content. It will also help you defeat writer’s block.

❷ I have notes and a general plan. Now what?

• Start writing in a relaxed, conversational way. Focus on the content, not the words, as if you were speaking to someone. Later, you can improve the writing style.
• As you write, focus on being clear, not clever. Focus on the ideas and information that you want other people to absorb. If your sentences have more secret staircases than a Victorian mansion, it’s time to clean house.
• A metaphor can be your best friend or a backstabbing enemy. Use metaphors to clarify and illuminate concepts, not to create flowery prose.

❸ My text is clear but it’s deadly dull.

• Generate intrigue by questioning assumptions. Make readers curious with phrases such as, “You may have learned in school that… “ or “One of the biggest mistakes in our industry is… “
• Introduce counter-arguments. Anticipate objections and address them.
• Imagine writing an FAQ for your product or idea. What will confuse a new user? Posing questions and then answering them keeps people interested.
• Read your text out loud and listen for repetition and clunky phrases. If you think you are being boring, your audience will, too.
• When you are almost finished, make an outline of what you have done. For example, if you are producing a slide deck, write down the main headings. Are they parallel? Did they tell a clear story? We working the headings can help you restructure your material.

— adapted from Design is Storytelling — Ellen Lupton p. 155–

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/34696391-design-is-storytelling

Mr. X / he

IN ESSAYS

Where the subject of the previous sentence was something other than the subject of the current sentence, use the full form of the subject (here, “Mr. X”) instead of a pronoun (“he”), since the pronoun will seem as if it refers to the subject of the previous sentence (here, "many people”).

IN LoRs
Your recommender only needs to use your first and last name (Mr. Vince Ricci) once, at the very beginning of the letter, the first time he refers to you. Thereafter, he can refer you to as Mr. Ricci, or Vince. 

Differentiate, or die!

Never write something that someone else could write.

Too often, clients in their essays with something like, This will allow me to achieve my long-term goal.

Why do you even assume that the reader remembers your long-term goal? That was pages ago :) Seriously, use every single opportunity to remind busy readers of what you are trying to achieve and why you care about it. 

Like all humans, admissions office readers learn through repetition. Learn how to say the same thing in a different way. Paraphrase your specific goals. Never use a generic phrase like "my short-term goal" or "my long-term goal." Just because that phrase appears in the question you don't need to repeat it in your essay. You have specific goals. Remind them what your specific goals are at every opportunity. 

Show them the money

One of the hardest things from my Japanese clients to understand is that American people want to hear a hopeful story. It's okay to talk about Japan lagging behind in this area or that area when trying to convince your company to sponsor your MBA or when applying for a Fulbright scholarship or a similar grant. However, when writing for or speaking with admissions officers, tell them a story about the opportunity that you hope to capture.

Include first and last names when mentioning alumni in your essay

Include first and last names when mentioning alumni in your essay

Tip: Always refer to current students or alumni by their full name and year of graduation. 

Reason: Sometimes, admissions office readers only know someone's first name.

IN ESSAYS

• Student names: Always refer to current students or alumni by their full name. Sometimes, adcom readers only know someone's first name, especially at schools like Kellogg and Tuck. Write like this: Vince Ricci (MBA '15)
• School name: similarly, in your goals essay, the first time you write a school's name, spell it out officially as the school does e.g. The Kellogg School of Management. Afterward, you can just call it Kellogg.

IN LETTERS of RECOMMENDATION

• The first time your recommender mentions you, he should write your full name, like this: "I first met Mr. Vince Ricci in 2002." Afterward, he can refer to you as just Mr. Ricci (or Vince if a peer / casual recommender)
• I am writing to you with regard to [Mr./Ms. Full Name], who has requested that I write a letter of recommendation on [his/her] behalf.

Mr vs Mr.

• In British English, abbreviated titles that end with the same letter as the word being abbreviated do not take a full stop (period): “Mr” but “Prof.”
• On the other hand, in American English, all titles take a period: “Mr.” and “Prof.”
• Either way, be sure to add a space after Mr or Mr.

Too many clients write Mr.Smith, which is always incorrect in both US and UK English.

How to markup an essay

Q: What do these editing colors and symbols mean?
A: I often use the following highlight colors to indicate certain writing issues


ORANGE = wdy = wordy, verbose

• wordy: too many words express a desired thought or concept; try to shorten or condense the phrasing or simply omit unnecessary words; also repetitive and/or run-on sentences 
• Please read these tips to make your writing concise and powerful   http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2012/04/wordy.html

YELLOW = grammar issues, including misplaced modifiers, usage, spelling, articles, agreement, capitalization

• agr = agreement, either subject/verb or pronoun/antecedent 
• art = articles: Should I use an indefinite article (a/an) or a definite article (the)? http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/articles.html
• cs = comma splice 
• dm = dangling modifier 
• frag = [sentence] fragment, incomplete sentence: There is part of a sentence, but not enough to make a complete one. 
• cap = capitalize, use uppercase letters (please read this post  http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/acronyms.html) 
• lc = use lowercase letter (please read this post  http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/acronyms.html)  
• no = number: A number is used incorrectly in text. A common error is beginning a sentence with a number in numerical form. Although sentences may begin with numbers in spelled-out form, numbers in numerical form are not used to begin sentences. The second most common error is failing to spell out numbers less than ten. (http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/writingnumbers.html)
• sp = spelling error or "spell out": This signal indicates a spelling mistake, a typographical error, the improper use of an abbreviation instead of the complete word or words, or the failure to spell out numbers less than ten. 
• spchk = use spellcheck (Please learn to avoid these common spelling and grammar errors (not picked up by spell checkers) http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2013/09/common-spelling-and-grammar-errors-not.html
• v = verb form or forms are incorrect. The most common error of this type is disagreement between the number of the subject of the sentence and the number of the verb ("she see" or "they talks"). Another common problem occurs in series of nouns with "and" or "or;" in "or" series the number of the verb should agree with the noun that is closest to the verb in the sentence. Correct: "A lapse, an error, or omissions in text make it difficult to read." (In this sentence, the plural verb form "make" is correct because the plural noun "omissions" is closest to the verb.) 
• ww = wrong word 
• tr = transpose letters or words 
• # = add space 

GREEN = vague, illogical, imprecise or misleading

• Vague: add prepositional phrases and details to fix the context and define the issues 
• va = vague: A paragraph, sentence, clause, phrase, or word is vague, nonspecific, imprecise, or misleading. The most common error is failure to include short prepositional phrases that tie things down. Vague (depending on context): "The court refused to decide the issue." Precise: "The court refused to decide the issue of proximate cause." 
• Solution: show, don't tell (http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/03/sdt.html) 
• This... what? Professor John Cochrane at The University of Chicago Booth School of Business says, you should clothe the naked “this.” “This” should always have something following it. “This example shows that....” is fine. More generally, this rule helps you to avoid an unclear antecedent to the “this.” Often there are three or more things in recent memory that “this” could point to. http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2014/07/this-what.html

BLUE = logic or transition issues

• not believable, not credible (esp. in recommendation letters)
• The greatest mistake that I see applicants make when drafting bullet points for letters of recommendation: they cross the credibility line by referencing information the recommender is unlikely to know. Recommenders can only mention what you said and did, not what you thought and felt. How can a recommender know your inner motivations unless you told him? And even if you told him, why would he feel the need to mention such information in a letter of recommendation? Bottom line: He should discuss what you said (add real dialogue) and did (actions and results) instead of what you thought or felt. 
• trans = transition problem: A transition between paragraphs, arguments, or sections of the writing is nonexistent, abrupt, weak, lame or misleading. Think about the logical relationship between the parts that need connecting and try to write a smooth and helpful transition. Good transitions are based upon ideas and their logical relationship, not just clever or stock phrases. 
• Please read these tips to improve your transitions  http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2012/04/transitions.html  

PINK = awkward or passive

• awkward phrasing, although not grammatically incorrect. Most common: words with slightly inapposite meaning, too many words to express a particular concept, or awkward (but not technically incorrect) grammatical construction 
• pv = passive voice: Passive constructions ("the case was decided" or "it was determined that...") are grammatically correct but weak and often confusing. They are useful only when the subject of the verb is unknown or indefinite or the writer wishes to conceal the subject.
• Otherwise, passive voice—particularly if used repeatedly—is a sign of wooden and heavy writing. 
• Solution: There are five reasons to use passive voice. Please learn them! http://techwritingtodai.blogspot.jp/2011/04/passive-voice.html

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This... what?

THIS... WHAT?

To quote Professor John Cochrane at The University of Chicago Booth School of Business, you should clothe the naked “this.”

“This” should always have something following it. “This example shows that....” is fine. More generally, this rule helps you to avoid an unclear antecedent to the “this.” Often there are three or more things in recent memory that “this” could point to.

In grammar lexicon, the above issue is often marked as "unclear antecedent."

Sometimes an antecedent is unclear not because there are multiple nouns that a pronoun may refer to, but because the noun that the pronoun refers to has not been stated. This error is especially common when writers use first-person plural pronouns—we, us, our, and ours—to imply unity between the writer and the readers.

Identifying and Addressing Unclear Pronouns and Antecedents

https://writingcommons.org/.../1237-identifying-and-addressing-unclear-pronouns-antec...

How to do peer review

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What is peer review?

"As a peer reviewer, your job is not to provide answers. You raise questions; the writer makes the choices. You act as a mirror, showing the writer how the draft looks to you and pointing our areas which need attention." - Sharon Williams

How to provide helpful feedback

• Read a draft all the way through before you begin to comment on it.
• Give yourself enough time to read and respond.
• Point out the strengths of the draft.
• When discussing areas that need improvement, be nice. Offer appropriate, constructive comments from a reader's point of view.
• Make comments text-specific, referring specifically to the writer's draft (NO "rubber stamps" such as "awkward" or "unclear" or "vague," which are too general to be helpful).
• Avoid turning the writer's paper into YOUR paper. 
• Don't overwhelm the writer with too much commentary. Stick to the major issues on the feedback form that are problematic.
• Make sure your suggestions are reasonable (i.e., don't suggest that they totally rewrite the paper because you didn't agree with the author's point of view or didn’t like the topic).
• If something appears too complicated to write in the commentary, just mention that you have something that you would like to talk to the writer about when you discuss the draft afterward.
• Before giving your written comments to the author, reread your comments to make sure they are clear and make sense.

(found at http://mwp01.mwp.hawaii.edu/resources/peer_review.htm; accessed 11/2010)

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What types of comments are constructive and helpful?

• Be respectful and considerate of the writer's feelings.
• Use "I" statements.
• Offer suggestions, not commands.
• Raise questions from a reader's point of view, points that may not have occurred to the writer.
• Phrase comments clearly and carefully so that the writer can easily understand what needs to be improved.
• Make sure comments are constructive and specific (not "This paper is confusing. It keeps saying the same things over and over again" but rather "It sounds like paragraph five makes the same point as paragraphs 2 and 3.").

(found at http://mwp01.mwp.hawaii.edu/resources/peer_review.htm; accessed 11/2010)

Form groups of three

Assign each member a letter (A, B, or C)

You have 25 mins to review and give comments on paper

In those 25 minutes, you should

• Read one paper (A, B, or C - not all three!)
• Write comments on the peer review sheet
• Share your comments with the author

Here are the steps:

1. Writer 1 gives each peer a copy of her paper (A gives her paper to B and C)
2. Peer reads the paper twice: first time for content (ideas), second time for style and usage (grammar): approximately 4 mins
3. Peers write comments on peer review sheet: approximately 2 mins
4. Peers review comments before sharing them (ensure they are logical, relevant, and easy to understand): approximately 1 min
5. Peers share comments with writers verbally one-by-one, then give writer their written comments: approximately 8 mins
6. Writer processes comments by asking peer for clarification and further advice on how to improve her paper: approximately 5 mins 

PEER REVIEW

Peer review lesson plan

• Print and bring four printed copies of your paper to our May 2 class
• You will exchange papers with your peers from different academic disciplines
• You will fill out the form below

Author________________________ Reviewer______________________ The goals of peer review are 1) to help improve your classmate's paper by pointing out strengths and weaknesses that may not be apparent to the author, and 2) to help improve editing skills. INSTRUCTIONS Read the paper(s) assigned to you twice, once to get an overview of the paper, and a second time to provide constructive criticism for the author to use when revising his/her paper. Answer the questions below.  STRUCTURE (30%) 1. Were the introduction, body paragraph, and conclusion adequate? If not, what is missing? 2. Was the material ordered in a way that was logical, clear, and easy to follow? Why or why not? Explain with details. CONTENT (30%) 3. Did the writer adequately summarize and discuss the topic? Why or why not? Explain with details. 4. Did the writer merely summarize existing data or publications?   WORD CHOICE (20%) 5. Are the words specific and accurate? Does the writer use strong action verbs whenever possible? Are the adjectives as descriptive as possible? Are the nouns specific, not general? Why or why not? Explain with details. GRAMMAR AND STYLE (20%) 6. Were there grammatical or spelling problems? Did the writer use active and passive voice appropriately? 7. Was the writer’s writing style clear, appealing, and full of energy? Why or why not? Explain with details.

Never use two words if one is enough

Never use two words if one is enough

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1. WORDINESS

Never use two words if one is enough.

Instead of "past experience," simply write "experience."

The verb "resigned" is a concise alternative for the phrase "left the firm".

• end result → result
• future plans → plans
  
   

If a sentence has more than 20 words without punctuation, or more than 40 words altogether, it may be excessively wordy. Consider re-phrasing the sentence, or breaking it into smaller sentences. People have very short attention spans; if too much information is presented all at once, the brain cannot properly process it.

While there are no strict rules about length of a sentence, if your clauses are longer than about 20 words, or if your entire sentence is longer than about 40 words, it may be too much for your reader to clearly understand. If the reader has to go back and re-read too many sentences, they may just give up reading... and possibly fall asleep.


 

S-V-O is the way to go!

Subject - Verb - Object (S-V-O) Sentences

1. I play football.
2. Max reads books.
3. We can speak English.
4. Sue is singing a nice song.
5. I like table tennis.

http://www.englisch-hilfen.de/en/grammar/satzstellung_1.htm

more tips here:

http://www.delicious.com/admissions/grammar

 

ALSO, WATCH FOR RUN-ON SENTENCES
 

When two independent clauses are joined by a co-ordinating conjunction (e.g. "and", "but", "or", "so"), there must be a comma before the conjunction or it will be a run-on sentence. Clearly identify the conjunction in the sentence with two independent clauses, and insert a comma before the conjunction.

Incorrect: Matthew went to the library and I headed back to the science lab.
The two clauses, “Matthew went to the library” and “I headed back to the science lab”, are independent; a comma should be inserted before “and”.

Incorrect: The wind was brisk but the sun was strong.
The two clauses, “the wind was brisk” and “the sun was strong”, are independent; there should be a comma before “but”.

Correct: The man’s business was failing, so he was searching for alternative income.
The two clauses, “the man’s business was failing” and “he was searching for alternative income”, are independent. The co-ordinating conjunction, “so” requires a comma before it.

How can I keep my subjects and verbs in agreement?

Many ESL writers struggle to keep their subjects and verbs in agreement. 

Here are some useful tips from Jane Strauss, author of "The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation".

Basic Rule.	The basic rule states that a singular subject takes a singular verb, while a plural subject takes a plural verb. NOTE: The trick is in knowing whether the subject is singular or plural. The next trick is recognizing a singular or plural verb.
	Hint: Verbs do not form their plurals by adding an s as nouns do. In order to determine which verb is singular and which one is plural, think of which verb you would use with he or she and which verb you would use with they.
	Example:	talks, talk Which one is the singular form? Which word would you use with he? We say, "He talks." Therefore, talks is singular. We say, "They talk." Therefore, talk is plural.

Rule 1. Two singular subjects connected by or or nor require a singular verb. Example: My aunt or my uncle is arriving by train today.

Rule 2. Two singular subjects connected by either/or or neither/nor require a singular verb as in Rule 1. Examples: Neither Juan nor Carmen is available. Either Kiana or Casey is helping today with stage decorations.

Rule 3. When I is one of the two subjects connected by either/or or neither/nor, put it second and follow it with the singular verb am. Example: Neither she nor I am going to the festival.

Rule 4. When a singular subject is connected by or or nor to a plural subject, put the plural subject last and use a plural verb. Example: The serving bowl or the plates go on that shelf.

Rule 5. When a singular and plural subject are connected by either/or or neither/nor, put the plural subject last and use a plural verb. Example: Neither Jenny nor the others are available.

Rule 6. As a general rule, use a plural verb with two or more subjects when they are connected by and. Example: A car and a bike are my means of transportation.

Rule 7. Sometimes the subject is separated from the verb by words such as along with, as well as, besides, or not. Ignore these expressions when determining whether to use a singular or plural verb. Examples: The politician, along with the newsmen, is expected shortly. Excitement, as well as nervousness, is the cause of her shaking.

Rule 8. The pronouns each, everyone, every one, everybody, anyone, anybody, someone, and somebody are singular and require singular verbs. Do not be misled by what follows of. Examples: Each of the girls sings well. Every one of the cakes is gone. NOTE: Everyone is one word when it means everybody. Every one is two words when the meaning is each one.

Rule 9. With words that indicate portions—percent, fraction, part, majority, some, all, none, remainder, and so forth —look at the noun in your of phrase (object of the preposition) to determine whether to use a singular or plural verb. If the object of the preposition is singular, use a singular verb. If the object of the preposition is plural, use a plural verb. Examples: Fifty percent of the pie has disappeared. Pie is the object of the preposition of. Fifty percent of the pies have disappeared. Pies is the object of the preposition. One-third of the city is unemployed. One-third of the people are unemployed. NOTE: Hyphenate all spelled-out fractions. All of the pie is gone. All of the pies are gone. Some of the pie is missing. Some of the pies are missing. None of the garbage was picked up. None of the sentences were punctuated correctly. Of all her books, none have sold as well as the first one.

Rule 10. The expression the number is followed by a singular verb while the expression a number is followed by a plural verb. Examples: The number of people we need to hire is thirteen. A number of people have written in about this subject.

Rule 11. When either and neither are subjects, they always take singular verbs. Examples: Neither of them is available to speak right now. Either of us is capable of doing the job.

Rule 12. The words here and there have generally been labeled as adverbs even though they indicate place. In sentences beginning with herethere, the subject follows the verb. or Examples: There are four hurdles to jump. There is a high hurdle to jump.

Rule 13. Use a singular verb with sums of money or periods of time. Examples: Ten dollars is a high price to pay. Five years is the maximum sentence for that offense.

Rule 14. Sometimes the pronoun who, that, or which is the subject of a verb in the middle of the sentence. The pronouns who, that, and which become singular or plural according to the noun directly in front of them. So, if that noun is singular, use a singular verb. If it is plural, use a plural verb. Examples: Salma is the scientist who writes/write the reports. The word in front of who is scientist, which is singular. Therefore, use the singular verb writes. He is one of the men who does/do the work. The word in front of who is men, which is plural. Therefore, use the plural verb do.

Rule 15. Collective nouns such as team and staff may be either singular or plural depending on their use in the sentence. Examples: The staff is in a meeting. Staff is acting as a unit here. The staff are in disagreement about the findings. The staff are acting as separate individuals in this example. The sentence would read even better as: The staff members are in disagreement about the findings.

(found at http://www.grammarbook.com/grammar/subjectVerbAgree.asp; accessed 2011/06)